Part 13: Artilleries Continue To Be The Best Unit In The Game

PART 13 - Artilleries Continue To Be The Best Unit In The Game

Hey everyone! Shorter update this week, since I went back to uni and it turns out you need to do work at uni if you wanna pass. So that's fun.

I checked out the extra mission in the tutorial, but decided it wasn't particularly worth showing. A-ranked it though. ...Not that you can really fail that mission. Anyway, let's get started...



Now it's time to begin the main campaign! We begin in north-western Orange Star.



So does this dork.



Hm. This kinda brings into question what happened before the campaign began. If we're starting in north-western Orange Star, and Olaf wasn't expecting us... how much of Orange Star did he successfully conquer? This implies that he conquered basically all of it besides the very fringes of the north-west. Which I know for a fact can't be possible due to how fucking stupid this guy is.



Did you forget to refuel your planes again?



I love how Olaf's knowledge of Orange Star's upper management basically starts and ends with "Nell".



Ah yes, because I can totally see Nell saying "hey Andy, you're basically as good of a CO as me, defend our capital city from the entire invading Blue Moon army"

...Wait, that's exactly what she did. Fuck.



Laugh all you want, Andy at least has me backing him up. Not that I want to help him, but if it's for Nell...



Twelve and counting, Olaf.



Fuck off. Literally half the times I fought you in the tutorial, Nell left me to my own devices.



Mostly bullying you, if it's anything like the tutorial.



OH GOD I FORGOT ABOUT YOU.

FUCK OFF.



I laughed when I first saw this mission name.

Like, yeah, you'd hope there's some war in this game called Advance WARS



This map isn't too bad, though there's a couple of threats. You'll see what I mean once we get a better look at it. But first...



MY PRECIOUS GIRL



"Is this a phone? Where am I? What's my name?"

Actually, wait, I just thought of a better way to make fun of him

Andy's Stupid Question Count: 1

Mathematically!



"You know, like what you use a fucking phone for."



This is Nellspeak for "I don't trust the pair of you to not screw this up".



I'd like to say the same thing, since it's the first mission, but I dunno...

Also I don't like agreeing with Andy.



...Wait, I can improve this screenshot drastically.



Perfect.



See, on the one hand, Nell never shuts up. On the other hand, I'll miss her when she's gone.

Decisions, decisions...



Oh, finally, do I get to use CO powers for myself?



Hurray, I do! I wonder how long it'll take to charge?



Nell, as usual, gives us handy advice.



...But as usual, opts to go with the "Hey, let me explain this thing but then finish explaining halfway through as say 'try it for yourself'" approach to tutorials.



Andy I swear to christ if you do anything to annoy me I will slap you



I'm making his funeral preparations as we speak, Nell. He'll be well-looked after.

Anyway, with that, the battle starts. First, let's check out our COs. I'll give a detailed analysis on what I think of them and their strengths.



Prick.



The armchair general himself.



Well, that's enough analysis of COs. Let's check out Olaf's dudes and discuss the battle plan. The map's split into two distinct sections - the upper area and the lower area. The upper area is gonna be harder to defend because there's just plains connecting the starting area to that area, but the lower area is connected via a one-tile bridge.

So, what's my plan? I'm gonna play both offensively and defensively - I'll push out into the lower area with Tina, Bill and Eric, whilst my two artillery defend the upper area with a little bit of backup.

...Huh. The number of Wilberts I command seems to have doubled.

“Hey, Eric! Eriiiic!” yells the leader of the new artillery unit, waving excitedly. Wilbert turns to him and raises an eyebrow. From his tank squad, Eric sighs.

“…It’s my little brother. For god’s sake. I forgot he’d been transferred to our division already.” he explains, then switches the intercom on. “Hi, Ingo.”

“Hey! I’m leader of the Ingo In-Crowd, and my name is Ingo!”

Tina looks at Bill, who is slowly sitting on the floor with his head in his hands.

“You alright?”

He fixes her with a wild glare. “There’s two of them, Tina. Two of them."



I get started by moving everyone into position. Anybody who isn't necessary to defend the upper area will be striking out into the lower area. The quicker we deal with that medium tank and rocket squad, the better off we'll be.



The Wilbert Warriors move into position alongside Ingo.



And I load Steve into Michael for a moment. I intend to defeat all the enemies since most of them are on the way to the HQ anyway, but in case I do find that capturing the HQ is better, I'd rather have an infantry nearby.



Tina's job, meanwhile, is what her job always is: murder all the things.



And she does a fuckdiculous amount of damage to this tank, so much so that the return fire barely scratches her.



This is how we end the first turn. Now to see what Olaf's gonna do...



God, he has so many units.



His forces advance, though none of them really attack. The lower tank flees, and the upper tank approaches. Fleeing is a pretty decent idea for that 1HP tank, but that upper tank has made a terrible mistake.



He's put himself in range of Ingo...



Who opens fire.



AND Wilbert.



Absolutely fucking decimated.

Artillery are still my favourite units, you know. I mean, they're just good at holding positions and murdering things. I can't think of a single real weakness.



Tina thinks of one for me.



Medium tanks are insane. I kind of assumed that after the tutorial, I'd have to wait a while before getting to play with them again, but nope, Tina's just gonna curbstomp the entire game, apparently.



Bill goes to back Eric up. The pair of them and Tina should be more than enough firepower to deal with everything here.



Unfortunately, this asshole is being a problem. We'll deal with him later. For now, I want to deal with that anti-air (why the hell does Olaf have anti-airs deployed on a map where I have no flying units, nor any way to make them?)

If I attack from the left of the anti-air, I'll be in rocket range.



Attacking from above, however, is pretty safe. Bill does his duty.



Tank combat potential is insane. Since damage enemies weakens their own attacking power, a unit with stupidly high attack also has really solid defences - Tina, Bill and Eric (Tina moreso) can go all in on the player phase and weaken their enemies to the point that they do squat damage in the enemy phase. Brilliant.



Speaking of enemy phase, here's one now.



It's



mostly



this.



And the anti-air went for Bill, presumably because Bill shot him.

Amusingly, an artillery moved into range on Wilbert and the Ingo In-Crowd.





As usual, it was an immensely stupid decision.



Finally, I know the answer to the question "What's better than an artillery unit?"



TWO ARTILLERY UNITS.



Barry decides to ruin this anti-air's day.



I don't know if I just got good at the game by doing the tutorial, but this map doesn't feel that hard.

Or maybe the worst is yet to come.



The Bill Battalion go on the retreat after being shot. If I handle things carefully here, I can remove most of the threats in a single stroke.



First, the newly-christened Eric Echelon need to clear a space.



There was some kind of unit in the way. Eric did not care.



And that leaves a nice little space where the Tina Team can completely neuter this rocket squad.



...Almost. At least he's injured enough that he's basically firing spitballs at this point.

Time for Olaf's turn. Here comes more pointless meandering.



WAIT FUCK



I love the little theme that comes with the CO power. It's pretty cool.



Olaf's soldiers wisely decide to use their increased power and movement options by capturing buildings. All three of them do this.



And a fourth dipshit joins the crew!



Well fuck. This is what I get for chatting shit.



This mech actually got a decent hit on Eric. Now both of my tanks are injured, god dammit.



My turn. Eric still has enough power to end this rocket squad before they run away to heal.



Nice work.



Tina decides to avenge her little tank pal.



Perhaps I should rename this part. Tina is certainly proving her worth.



Meanwhile, the anti-air that approached up north did the same thing as all the other units.



That is, wandered aimlessly into the murder circle.





The Wilbert Warriors make an end of this chump.



Michael catches up now that the coast is clear...



And it's back to normal. Wow, Olaf's Blizzard is way less oppressive when it's just one day instead of three. I don't even think three days of snow would be that unbalanced, to be honest. Poor guy needs something going for him.



Especially since most of his units are focussed on capturing cities instead of killing me.



My turn. Finally up north, somebody has wisely decided NOT to step into artillery murder range (though their tiny 3 movement probably accounts for it.)



I let the Carl Crew sate their bloodlust. Murder them!



ONE JOB, CARL



Now that the people down south have finished their capturing, they're moving towards me. I decide to put a stop to them here, because it means I can put off fighting Olaf's medium tank for a bit. I have a plan for that, and I need time.



Tina has taken half an HP in damage this entire map, and she's done twice as much damage as anyone else (besides the artilleries).

Absolutely godlike.





Eric finishes up.



Bill and Eric may be damaged, but the infantry will barely scratch them anyway, so I don't feel too bad about sending Bill in to bully these infantry units.



This is the tank's world, and we're just living in it.



Speaking of tanks, this guy.



Gonna need something special to deal with him. Wilbert and Ingo move down to the south side.



Barold does what he does best, and half-captures a city.

Good boy.





Olaf's turn rolls around. The mostly-dead infantry flees back to a base, whilst his undamaged friend comes to bother Carl.





Carl brought him down to 1HP as well. God dammit, Carl, if you'd done a bit more damage we could've taken these guys in two turns instead of 4.



Speaking of a bit more damage, Tina does some.



I don't know where I got this idea that anti-air oneshot infantry. Medium tanks do it far more consistently.



Everybody say well done to Barold. We finally have a place to start healing Eric and Bill, since I'm likely going to need them soon.



My artillery units move into range. And with one last bit of damage...





Everything gets sorted. Next turn, we begin Operation Michael Meatshield.

"Hey, uh..." Michael says to Tina. "That's just a silly name, right? Definitely not what's going to actually happen to me?"

Tina pats Michael on the head.

"You poor, poor, innocent child."



Alright, this is where we're going to cut it for now. Next time, we finish off the first map and maybe do the second mission if it's not as long! We'll see.

***

The Barracks: Tina and Lucy 1

There’s a knock on the door, and Lucy looks up. “Uh, come in?”

Tina enters. She looks around the space in relative surprise. It’s neat and tidy, with one bed, where Lucy is currently sat writing in a notebook.

“You’re in here on your own?”

“Yup!” Lucy says cheerily. “Nell said since I’m so young, and there’s so few girls, that I get a room to myself.”

“Well, I’m glad to hear that.” Tina replies. “Uh, Lucy, I gotta ask… why are you here?”

Lucy puts the notebook down and sits up on the bed. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, here. Your deadbeat dad signed up to the army, and you decided that the best thing for a sixteen-year-old girl was to join him and fly a plane to bomb your enemies?” Tina says, running a hand through her hair. Lucy fixes her with a strange look.

“Please don’t call him deadbeat. And, uh… there’s lots of reasons, really.” she replies, picking her words carefully. “Firstly, as you say, my dad signed up. My, uh… my ma isn’t the best person. So when I was a kid, and my dad first left to join the army, I didn’t get it. I didn’t get why he would leave me alone with her for months at a time.”

Tina sits on the bed opposite Lucy’s as the girl continues to recount her story.

“The army pays well. That’s why he does it. He wanted to give me a good life, but to do so, he… had to leave me with my ma, and that was far from a good life. Every time he came home, they would argue terribly. He started to drink a lot.”

“Lucy, I…” Tina says, but Lucy continues. Lucy’s hand automatically reaches to her cheek, where there is a faint scar, almost impossible to see.

“He made a lot, being a bomber. He bought me nice dresses, and spent time with me when he came home. But he also liked his drinking, and I started to worry about him whenever he went away. So the last time he went away… I went with him.”

“My god.” Tina says. “Here I thought your old man was coming to keep an eye on you, and it was the other way around. Lucy, I’m sorry for pushing you. You… you can come talk to me anytime, alright? I’ll bust up anyone who looks at you funny.”

“Thank you.” Lucy says, smiling. In an instant, her sorrowful tone vanishes and her eyes gleam with joy once more. “Anyway, did you have something you needed?”

“Oh, yeah.” Tina replies. “I was just wondering if you wanted to come hang out with me and Selena. We’re gonna have a girl’s night; being the army can be such a drag sometimes.”

“Sounds like fun!” Lucy replies, hopping off the bed and twirling around. “I’ll be there; see you this evening!"